Last night’s season premiere of American Idol brought legions of hopefuls out to Savannah, Georgia to try their skill in front of the judges. Because there were so many auditions, I’ve condensed my thoughts into the ancient, pithy, Japanese form known as haiku. How efficient is that?

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Okay, so everyone kind of killed it on last night’s episode of American Idol. It was Carole King week, so the singers had no shortage of songs to choose from. James Durbin went with “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow,” and his performance made Randy Jackson postulate that James just might win the whole competition. We’ll see about that.

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Last night on the American Idol results show, Gleeified singer Pia Toscano was booted. It was a pretty shocking result as Pia was one of the favorites to win the whole thing, but watching judges Jennifer Lopez, Randy Jackson and Steven Tyler get outright indignant and disappointed in the citizens of America is hilarious. We’ve been blamed for our lack of passion! Oh well, maybe if the government shuts down next week Pia Toscano can take over?

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We here at Crushable are totally Team Lauren Alaina. The 16-year-old Georgian has been awesome since the beginning and we love her raspy voice. Last night Lauren sang “Turn on the Radio” and totally killed it! Randy Jackson said that she reminds him of a combo of Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood — so that’s a pretty good sign.

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(Main David Archuleta photo via)

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Vampire Diaries star Ian Somerhalder has been very upset by the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico and recently called for a telethon to raise money for the clean-up, similar to the celeb-studded event to support Haiti earlier this year.

Well, it looks like Ian is getting his wish, as CNN announced that it would air a celebrity telethon on Monday. Larry King will host the two-hour special, which will feature appearances from Justin Bieber, Cameron Diaz, Ted Danson, Randy Jackson and Robert Redford and a performance by Sting. It’s not George Clooney and Brad Pitt, but it’s better than nothing.

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American Idol

1. “Hallelujah”

Jason Castro did it. Lee DeWyze did it. Either way, “Hallelujah” is too much for the average Idol contestant to sing. For one thing, the lyrics contain references to adultery and other stuff that always ends up being cut. For another, the song is oversaturated throughout pop culture, not just on Idol. It’s been everywhere from The West Wing to Shrek, and it’s losing its power and meaning in the process. Put this one back in the drawer, guys.

2. “Fallin’”

“Fallin’” was the single that introduced Alicia Keys to the world, and wannabe ingenues have been using it as their “Idol” audition song ever since. Unfortunately, though, most of the singers who attempt this song can’t match Alicia’s vocals and end up packing it with so many runs and so much melisma that you can’t find the notes. It’s too showy, and most singers can’t keep up.

3. “Alone”

Whenever a female singer on “Idol” is trying to break out of whatever box she’s been put into, she reaches for “Alone” as the song to break her out of it. When you are Carrie Underwood, trying to prove that you can sing rock as well as country, it works. When you are absolutely anyone else, it does not. Lesson learned.

4. “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down On Me”

This song might break an “Idol” record for the amount of times it’s been used on the show. However, the contestants aren’t totally to blame here. It’s a huge favorite for judges’ picks: David Archuleta, Justin Guarini, and Clay Aiken have all been tasked with singing it in the finals. Besides this song, what do these three singers have in common? They all lost. Accept that the song is cursed and let it go.

5. Anything by Whitney Houston

If you sing something by Whitney Houston, Randy will tell some dumb story about how he was there when Whitney recorded it and how he is friends with famous people and you are not, and he will use that story to illustrate that Whitney sang the song better than anyone will ever sing ever again, and that will include you.

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We know it’s free, but we would pay actual money to watch it over and over and over again.

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If there was any doubt about the last statement, this year — Idol‘s ninth season — has effectively silenced it. Now that original judge Paula Abdul has packed up her crazy and headed home and co-creator Simon Cowell will be following her at the end of the year, the show has to redefine itself. And, judging by the choices they’ve made so far, the next season of the show could veer wildly off the rails.

While Ellen DeGeneres is a great host and TV personality, her role on Idol still doesn’t completely fit because she’s outside the music industry. Sure, she’s there to represent the voice of the common folk, but the common folk’s voice is well-represented already since they get to vote. Randy Jackson may have experience in the music biz, but he has been useless for about seven seasons now, recycling the same “It was pitchy, dawg” and “Girl, you can saaaang”-type comments for every contestant. This year, because the show hadn’t nailed DeGeneres down as a permanent judge by the time auditions started, a revolving door of celebrities took their turn appraising the wannabe singers. Some of the choices — Katy Perry, Avril Lavigne, a Jonas brother — may not have been the most musically gifted, but their popularity on the Billboard charts at least gave them a reason to be on the show.

Now, though, it looks like Idol is desperate. One of the guest judges for this season is going to be … Paula Deen. As in, the Savannah chef who hosts multiple Food Network shows and is known for her unabashed embrace of the deep fryer. We may like a lot of Paula Deen’s food, but there’s absolutely no reason for her to be on Idol. In the past, guest judges always had some kind of connection — even a tenuous one — to the music industry. Guest judges/mentors like Mariah Carey, Burt Bacharach, and Dolly Parton provided both music advice and industry advice to the show’s contestants and provided them with great material to cover on the show. Quentin Tarantino popped in to guest judge on Season 3, and all they could come up with for his connection to music was that he likes to use a lot of it in his movies. We really can’t wait to see what farfetched reason they come up with to shoehorn Paula Deen onto the show — maybe it will be something borderline offensive, like asking her to guest judge on Country Week or something. Because you know what reminds us of Johnny Cash? Paula Deen. Yep. Totally logical. Replacing one Paula with another Paula is TOTALLY SUBTLE, Idol. Surely we won’t be able to tell the difference between the one with the Southern accent and the one who sounds like she’s drunk.

As for the ridiculous rumor the show was going to replace Simon Cowell with shock jock Howard Stern? It seems surprisingly likely now, considering that the producers are embracing their love of stunt casting.

(Photo by WENN)

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Who do you think will be eliminated in tonight’s episode?

Tune in tonight at 10 pm ET/PT to watch the final three battle it out!

But first, check out this clip of dancers showing us how “the battle” goes down:

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