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Dr. Drew is one hot biyatch. On his show yesterday, he called out Tom Cruise for being crazy:

“A lot of people in the public eye who behave strangely have mental illness we can learn from, and much of it is based on childhood trauma, without a doubt. Take a guy like Tom Cruise. Why would somebody be drawn into a cultish kind of environment like Scientology? To me, that’s a function of a very deep emptiness and suggests serious neglect in childhood – maybe some abuse, but mostly neglect.”

Wha wha whatttt???!?! Somebody better call the FBI stat, because you know the Scientologists are going to circle the wagons and bust a cap in Dr. Drew’s booty. I’m not even kidding. He’d better watch his back but good. Tom’s handlers had this to say in retaliation:

“This unqualified television performer who is obviously just looking for notoriety is so grotesquely unprofessional as to pretend to diagnose Tom and others without ever meeting them. He seems to be spewing the absurdity that all Scientologists are mentally ill. The last time we heard garbage like this was from Joseph Goebbels.”

Oh, so he’s a Nazi now? Please. Don’t these Cruise spokespeople have better things to do, like keep Katie on her meds so she doesn’t “accidentally” escape from the compound? That radio collar does eventually run out of batteries, you know. She’s just biding her time.

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So! Apparently, Tom and Kate were on the official Scientology Party Ship (yes, there is such a thing), and now they’re suspected of having asbestos poisoning. Looks like the Thetans kind of messed up on this one, don’t you think? There is a serious side to this, though, because if they DO have asbestos poisoning, they could get cancer and die.

(That would be bad.)

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Here are some excerpts from the Tom Cruise Oprah Interview, tentatively titled “See! I’m Not Crazy!”

On the Couch Jumping Incident

“When we finished that show with you jumping up on the sofa, I was like, ‘Wow. What was that?’” she tells him in an interview in his Telluride, Colo., home. “I had no idea it was going to turn into an international brouhaha, as I’m sure you did not either.”

She even confesses, “I was a little nervous coming up this morning, I have to admit, because you and I have not sat down for a real conversation since the sofa incident.”

Cruise tells Winfrey, “I just felt that way, and I feel that way about her.

“I can’t even articulate it, to be honest,” he adds. “That feeling, that connection. Just who she is and what she means to me.”

Of the negative response to his couch jumping, Cruise says, “It just kind of kept going.

“Those things I kind of go, ‘You just have to take in stride.’ It just kind of became a confluence of things.”

ON ATTACKING MATT LAUER

He also opened up about his 2005 interview with Matt Lauer (Cruise attacked the anchor, calling him “glib” during a chat about psychiatry and the use of anti-depressant drugs).

“I was feeling pressed in the interview with Matt Lauer,” Cruise says. “For me, my issue was really about child drugging. It’s not like it is today, like people are really kind of openly talking about this.”

(Cruise now says of medicating children, “I think the parent should be able to and should make that decision.”)

ON SLAMMING BROOKE SHIELDS

He says his comments on post-partum depression “came out wrong.” (He slammed Brooke Shields in the same 2005 interview for taking Paxil to treat post-partum depression following the birth of her daughter Rowan.)

“What I regret is even discussing Brooke in any way,” Cruise says.

He says the incident has brought the two of them “closer” (Shields attended his 2006 wedding to Holmes.)

ON BEING A SCIENTOLOGIST

Cruise dodges Winfrey’s question about whether he feels people negatively target him because of his Scientology involvement.

“It’s a minority religion, and I think that sometimes people misinterpret [it],” he says. “I think the best thing is for people to read about it themselves. I believe people have the right to choose what they believe in.

“The code of Scientologists says you respect the religious beliefs of others,” Cruise adds. “That’s part of being a Scientologist, and that’s who I am as a person.”

In January, videos leaked online of Cruise at Scientology events discussing the religion. He says the footage “was stolen. I was receiving an award that evening for global literacy. It was a very private moment. I’m actually talking to my congregation.”

“It’s [taken] totally out of context,” he adds.

ON BUYING A SONOGRAM MACHINE FOR HOLMES DURING HER PREGNANCY

Cruise says he and Holmes took great pains to keep her pregnancy private. “We went in the middle of the night, and we were very excited — this is such a private moment,” he says.

“My life was already a zoo,” he says. When news leaked, “it was off the charts.”

As for purchasing a sonogram machine for Holmes, Cruise explains, “When you’re having a baby, you just want it to be as safe and as easy as possible.”

ON KEEPING SURI HIDDEN FOR SO LONG

Lots of rumors spread about their daughter, Suri, because the couple kept her hidden after she was born. Some blogs speculated that the child was deformed. That talk, Cruise says, was “hard to hear.

“We just want to have our baby, have the kids and everyone get to know Suri, get the family up here and just chill and have that time that you never get back,” he explains. “You don’t ever get those moments back.”

On waiting three months to publish her photo in Vanity Fair in 2006, Cruise says, “Kate and I didn’t feel any need to [rush] it. We said, ‘Why? It’s our family.’ We just were on Suri time.”

ON DAUGHTER SURI

“She’s spectacular,” he says. “She really is just magic.”

His two children with ex Nicole Kidman, Connor and Isabella, “were really excited.”

ON HIS MARRIAGE WITH HOLMES BEING FAKE

“That’s laughable to me,” Cruise says. ‘You just know that they’re trying to sell it and spin it.”

He says Holmes’ Catholic family has welcomed him.

“They’re amazing. I love them,” Cruise says. “You see why Kate is such an amazing woman — incredible integrity and strength. They’re family.”

ON RUMORS THAT HE HAS PUSHED NICOLE KIDMAN OUT OF THEIR KIDS’ LIVES

“No, that’s ridiculous,” he says. “We share custody. That’s what it is.”

ON HIS REPUTATION

“Listen I, I feel like definitely things have been misunderstood, and there are things I could have done better,” Cruise admits. “But then there’s also that world where you go, ‘Oh, it’s been spun to such an extent that … that’s a truth also.’

He continues, “Knowing when and where to communicate, I think that’s important.

“A lot of times I was nervous giving interviews. Or I wasn’t sometimes as comfortable about things. And I realized that it’s okay.

“There’s stuff you have to just let go,” Cruise adds. “I just have to do the best I can.” – source

So what do you think? Is he really nuts, or is it just the bad media spin?

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Okay, so Tom Cruise is going back on Oprah, apparently because we didn’t have enough slices of Crazy Pie the first time. Pundits are guessing that him and Oprah are going to shoot the shizzit about his couch jumping antics, Katie, Scientology, and the premise that DUDE IS FREAKING INSANE. Oh, and as an added bonus? He asked (*cough* threatened *cough*) a whole bunch of his “friends” to call in and tell us all how incredible amazing Tom Cruise is. So we understand that all this craziness? This hoopla? Totally irrelevant, man.

You gonna watch? It’s Maverick-approved!

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Awww, yeah. The beginning of countless parodies, crazy talk, and quiet speculation that Tommy Boy had finally gone off his meds. Well, it’s about to happen again (hopefully they’ll have removed the offending couch) because Tom Cruise is coming back to Oprah for the first time since this infamous appearance three years ago. Apparently he’s coming up on the 25th anniversary of his role in “Risky Business”, one of the crappiest movies of the 80′s, and there’s going to be a TWO PART SPECIAL to celebrate it, with people taping messages to honor Tom for his acting skills.

I’ve got a better idea. Why don’t we just play Yahtzee and compare our cuticles? Because honestly, I think that might be more entertaining. Oprah has seriously jumped the shark. Time for girlfriend to cash it in and hole up with the Dalai Lama or something.

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Just what every crazy Scientologist needs: a brand of pot named after them. Apparently, there’s a new strain of medical marijuana named “Tom Cruise Purple” that makes you see things that aren’t actually, uh, THERE. If it’s named for Tommy Boy, shouldn’t it make you jump up and down on couches, marry robotic Amazons, star in Nazi movies, and make long speeches about L.Ron Hubbard?

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Daughter by Katie Holmes “conceived like Rosemary’s Baby”

• Nicole Kidman “feared blackmail” over sex tapes made with Scientologists

• Scientologists “planted meadow of flowers for Tom and Nicole to run through”

• Cruise’s next mission is to recruit David Beckham

Yeah, well, as long as it sells copies I’m sure Andy will write pretty much anything. Even I think this sounds like a load of crap – especially that bit about Rosemary’s Baby. You can read more about it here.

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