Crushable » tyra banks

America’s Next Top Model All Stars Recap: A Winner Is Crowned, Sorta

Louis Peitzman — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 16:15:48 +0000

Here’s the thing about reality competitions: as much fun as they are most of the way through, they always kind of bore me by the end. Sometimes I don’t even watch Top Model season finales. (I know. But I feel like this is a safe space.) Anyway, the finale of Top Model’s first All Stars cycle was reasonably entertaining, although the biggest twist happened off-screen. I mean, Tyra had Angelea killed, right? Just want to make sure we’re all on the same page. But more on that in a bit.

The episode began with Angelea’s proclamation: “We are the three baddest bitches in the world.” And sure, that’s one word for it. It was kind of nice to see the three remaining contenders hug it out, especially knowing that they’d have to mud wrestle to the death. (Note: this didn’t happen, but how fun would that be!) Instead, the models talked about the shitty circumstances they’ve come from, because every reality competition is a Cinderella story about a Cinderella who’s not here to make friends. Anyway, obstacles: overcome. Congratulations, models—you’re all the belles of the ball.

Except Top Models are Highlanders: there can be only one, and also something about immortality and decapitation. So we started with Covergirl beauty shots, photographed by the Greekest of Greek photogs Nikos Papadopoulos. (That’s seriously his name!) Covergirl Director of Communications Paige Cali was on hand to offer useless musings. (Lisa has a “vivacious personality.” Who fucking knew?) Allison ran into problems because her eyes are still super sensitive to the sun. “I feel frustrated with myself,” she lamented, even though it’s not her fault that she’s a Kewpie doll.

Next up were the commercials. Angelea knocked it out of the park, and she did it looking like a drag queen, so good for her! Lisa was fine but not as over-the-top as we’ve come to expect. And Allison still has trouble shilling for Covergirl, which, honestly, who cares? Of the three, she’s the most likely to have an actual career. Maybe Allison’s too good for Covergirl. Maybe Allison’s too good for all of us.

The runway show was pretty elaborate: the models had to swim to the runway, then transform into goddesses, then fly in the air, then ski down a chasm, then do a 10-minute comedy set, then do the runway walk to the “pot ledom” songs they wrote a few weeks back. (I think I might have missed some steps there. Sorry!) It was cool to see the dresses Michael Cinco created based on the contestants’ specifications. Allison’s and Lisa’s were actually pretty great, and Angelea’s looked like the kind of thing Angelea would design.

	America’s Next Top Model All Stars Recap: Thumb Sucker
	America’s Next Top Model All Stars Recap: Greek Salad Tragedy
	America’s Next Top Model All Stars Recap: Honey Blood
	America’s Next Top Model All Stars Recap: Coco Rocha Angles

Everyone did reasonably well. I’m not a great judge of runway walks, but I will say that all three could probably work on their swimming form. In fact, the only really interesting moment came when Lisa’s hair got caught in her mask and she ended up swimming into a wall. Angelea was worried about drowning, but then she didn’t even drown a little, so that was kind of a bust.

OK, here’s where things got weird. When we returned from the commercial break, Tyra explained that the producers learned information about Angelea that disqualified her from the competition, and that they would only be judging Allison and Lisa. So we’re just going to let that go? According to my intense internet research (I Googled), Angelea actually won Top Model All Stars and then leaked that information via Facebook, which is a big no-no. And also why I’m certain Tyra had her put down. You don’t do Top Model like that, Angelea. Regardless, it sort of killed any momentum the finale might have had otherwise. I was too busy thinking about Angelea’s whereabouts to care when Lisa won.

Oh, Lisa won. Crap, did I make that anticlimactic? Well, now you know how I feel watching Top Model. Finale aside, All Stars was an entertaining season, and I will never tire of Tyra finding new and exciting ways to parody herself. On the other hand, I’m glad it’s over, and I look forward to a new crop of girls eager to demean themselves for 15 minutes of reality show fame. Let’s all practice our booty tooches before then.

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America’s Next Top Model All Stars Recap: Thumb Sucker

Louis Peitzman — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 18:01:39 +0000

In Wednesday night’s thrilling penultimate episode of America’s Next Top Model All Stars, we learned what vengeful goddess Tyra’s endgame really was—why she assembled these familiar faces and spirited them away to the enchanted island of Crete. If you’d guessed it had something to do with filming a glorified commercial for her bestselling novel Modelland, you’d be Tiresias, the blind soothsayer. But let’s backtrack a bit.

The episode began with another addition of Shit Reality Competition Contestants Say. “It’s like a huge deal,” Laura reflected on her best photo. “It doesn’t happen to people where I come from.” And cue the tears.

But things got more interesting when the ladies received a visit from Vogue Italia editor Franca Sozzani, a woman whose sharp Italian bone structure was destined to cut these “models” down to size. Each of the contestants was tasked with writing a blog post about Crete from her personal perspective. Pick an outfit, pick a location, take photos, write a few hundred words, and bam—win a seven-night trip to Crete. Are you kidding? This was basically my dream challenge, except I’ll take a seven-night trip to somewhere closer than Crete, because I hate flying and hot weather.

Unfortunately, we didn’t get to read what the models wrote, which I’m sure would have been a thrilling exercise in inanity. (Actually, Allison’s blog post was chastised for being too weird and over-the-top. Maybe she could recap America’s Next Top Model for Crushable?) Angelea won, because she found some graffiti and talked about living in the ghetto. A hard-knock story trumps all else, especially when Lisa’s second-best blog post was about her fast-paced Hollywood lifestyle. You ever been shot at, Lisa? Then no one cares.

The photo challenge this week was a two-day video shoot designed to bring Tyra’s novel Modelland to life in a motion editorial. Anyone who has ever doubted Tyra’s acting abilities need only watch the scene in which she shows humility after Jay mentions Modelland’s New York Times bestseller status. I believed it. Also rent Halloween Resurrection, because it’s kind of fun.

Tyra explained the plot of Modelland, but I zoned out somewhere around Tookie looking for a button in the garbage and becoming a cat. The shoot was fun, if only because it reflected Tyra’s batshit sensibilities. Lisa was given a baby doll and told to act deranged. Laura was forced to squeeze whipped cream all over her face. (Side note: they were setting this girl up for failure, right? “Now, don’t be too sexy, but here’s a dessert topping to slowmo jizz into your mouth.”) And poor naïve Laura, who actually said, “I feel like this is a really good time for me to really prove to her that I can be America’s Next Top Model.” Oh, Tookie.

As Angelea put it, “We’re doing mad different scenes. It was crazy.” And yeah, when Tyra told Allison to booty tooch as a cat and then rub blood oranges on her face, I realized we were witnessing something truly special. It did get briefly boring when Angelea decided it was her turn to cry. Yeah, we get it, Angelea, you’re tragically unpleasant. But Tyra put it all into perspective: “This is what the really good actresses do.” It’s true. She learned that one from Lindsay Lohan while filming 2000’s Life-Size.

And look—it’s hunky male model-actor Tyson Beckford! All snark aside, Tyson is comically sexy. When Angelea asked if she could hug him, he said she could but that he was a little sweaty. Like, please. But Tyra actually brought him for herself, so she could reenact a truly absurd scene in which Tookie tries to fellate some dude’s thumb. Seriously. Cut to a cave where Tyson is rubbing his digits all over Tyra’s face, and she fucking goes for the thumb. Will Tookie ever learn the real way to love a man? Pick up your copy of Modelland to find out!

	America’s Next Top Model All Stars Recap: A Winner Is Crowned, Sorta
	America’s Next Top Model All Stars Recap: Greek Salad Tragedy
	America’s Next Top Model All Stars Recap: Viral Videos
	Can Entertainment Tonight Stop Pretending The ‘Melissa Gorga In A Fat Suit’ Story Is Anything But A Ratings Stunt?

At judges’ table, we saw part one of the Modelland shoot. (That’s right—there’s more next week.) I give this motion editorial credit for managing to be equal parts weird and dull. I’m reasonably certain we were meant to take it seriously (Tyra said she almost cried when viewing it), but I’m still stuck on the whipped cream going in and out of Laura’s mouth. Like, we really needed to rewind that footage? As Andre Leon Talley so coldly noted, “She’s worn out with the whole hee-haw elegance.”

Judges’ deliberation was the longest. Ever. In. Top. Model. History. We even got a shot of producer Ken Mok walking onto the stage and demanding a decision. It was about as believable as Tyra writing a novel, but no matter. It all culminated in the most gutwrenching final two we’ve seen so far: Laura and Allison. Throw in public nudity and this was literally my worst nightmare realized. In the end, Laura went home and broke my heart in the process. I miss her already, but I’m trying to hold my head high. We’ll always have Wanda Sue’s country frocks and whipped cream.

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America’s Next Top Model All Stars Recap: Greek Salad Tragedy

Louis Peitzman — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 18:21:17 +0000

When an episode of Top Model begins with one of the contestants talking about how she’s never gotten best photo but how she takes comfort in all her adoring fans, you know she’s not long for this competition. And let’s be real, Shannon—your refusal to pose in underwear was never the noblest of causes. Changing lives, one fully-clothed photo at a time. But hey, I’m probably just bitter that I don’t get thousands of emails from girls calling me a role model. I get a couple emails a week telling me I’m an asshole, though, so I kind of know how it feels?

But I’m jumping ahead. Let’s talk about the ridiculous farce featuring Andre Leon Talley and two subpar actors playing waiters in a fight. (These guys must have day jobs as waiters. Couldn’t they have been more believable?) Anyway, it was all just an excuse to break some plates and announce that the models were going to Greece. I felt super ignorant, because I didn’t even know smashing plates was a thing. Either way, it was a weak way to showcase Greek culture. I would have done something fun with Greek tragedy, or pederasty.

Once they got to Greece, the contestants met Vicki Kaya, host of the Greek version of America’s Next Top Model. She’s undeniably gorgeous, but she doesn’t seem sufficiently ludicrous to host this competition. Vicki explained that the ladies would have to write one-minute speeches on their flight to Crete. They’d have to incorporate Greek words, of course, because that is the kind of thing a Top Model has to do. (No, but seriously, I would like to hear Tyra pronounce “spanakopita.”) Laura fretted over her dyslexia and the Greeks’ inability to appreciate good ol’ Southern charm.

As you might expect, the speeches were pretty awful, though special thanks to the Top Model editors for making them sound far more awkward than they possibly could have been. (More cricket sound effects, please!) I did feel genuinely sympathetic for Laura, because the Fates (Greek!) seemed to be conspiring against her. It was almost impossible to hear her over the wind, which was totally out of her hands. On the other hand, she could maybe have picked a better Greek goddess than Venus, who is Roman. Worst speech goes to Angelea, who closed with, “Now where’s the baño?” It honestly wouldn’t have bothered me much if she hadn’t insisted that she should get extra points for throwing in a new Greek word. Gracias for being you, Angelea.

Next the contestants met with a stylist to plan their looks for the final runway show. Alas, only two models will be competing, which is pretty damn disappointing. Some of these dresses sounded like delightful train wrecks. I particularly enjoyed Dominique’s assertion that, “This is my moment to really let the true drag in me shine!” I hope her dress comes with a fake penis attached. Boo to Shannon’s predictable desire for something sexy and conservative. We get it, lady: You’re a goddamn angel. But have you seen Victoria’s Secret commercials lately? Angels are sluts now, too.

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America’s Next Top Model All Stars Recap: Viral Videos

Louis Peitzman — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 15:09:36 +0000

Every once in a while, America’s Next Top Model is so batshit, I have very little to say about it. What can I add to an episode in which the contestants were forced to make “viral” videos? (I put “viral” in quotes, because they didn’t actually make viral videos. Relatedly, Tyra Banks doesn’t know what “viral” means.) The entire conceit was absurd, and I love how this was presented as a reasonable challenge and not something insane Tyra cooked up while smoking the finest “pot ledom.”

“How else can you take your celebrity up a notch than going viral?” Jay Manuel asked. I’m pretty sure that was rhetorical, but sex tape, obviously. He then namechecked such viral sensations as Rebecca Black and Justin Bieber, suggesting that the models could one day join their ranks. And yes, I do think each and every one of these ladies could eventually become just as forgettable as Rebecca Black or even that guy who sang “Chocolate Rain.” But before they became YouTube stars, the contestants were asked to co-write and record their own songs.

Allison spent a lot of time freaking out over her inability to sing, which is a completely legitimate concern. I’m baffled by the assumption that all of the models would be able to sing—though I suppose in an age of Auto-tune, anyone can sound halfway not terrible. I’m really more surprised that the contestants were asked to write their own songs: not even Rebecca Black was tasked with that challenge. Allison continued to stress about her song and ended up writing a touching ode to her recently departed father. Because hey, nothing says viral like a dead parent.

When the contestants arrived at the studio to record their songs, they were informed that they’d have to incorporate the phrase “pot ledom,” which is “top model” backwards. I have no explanation for this, except perhaps that Tyra is a gnikcuf citanul. I also loved when CBS Records’ Tom Polce reminded the models, “You gotta make it fun … It’s all about fun.” Cut to Allison, who had to incorporate a funky hook into her dirge. Rest in peace, Dad. You were always a pot ledom in my heart.

	America’s Next Top Model All Stars Recap: A Winner Is Crowned, Sorta
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Somehow Allison managed to make it work. (She’s literally an alien, is the only explanation I can come up with.) Lisa, who won the songwriting challenge, killed it, and most of the other models did serviceable jobs. I say “serviceable,” because none of these women are professionals, and it showed. While I admired their enthusiasm, I was eager for the worst of the bunch (including my girlcrush Laura) to get Auto-tuned into comfortable mediocrity. And yes, I thought it was cute when Alexandria said, “I feel like I could be a recording artist.” But cute in that deluded, vaguely annoying sort of way. Let’s not shit ourselves.

The music videos upped the absurdity: back-up lipsynch vocals (yeah, I don’t know) were provided by Tyra and internet sensation Keenan Cahill. I’ll be kind to Keenan, because he’s a 16-year-old kid, but he’s famous for lipsynching and he’s not even very good at that. (See, I was nice. I could just as easily have said he’s a godawful talentless mess.) Tyra and Keenan didn’t ruin all of the videos, if only because the majority of them were irredeemably awful to begin with, but they were a frustrating distraction. I sympathize, though: Tyra and Keenan definitely needed the exposure.

I realize I haven’t said much about the songs, but they were mostly too generic to merit discussion. Almost all of the contestants chose to write about the competition, the challenges they’ve faced, and how they’ll ultimately emerge victorious—in other words, the same crap they spout every week but this time set to shitty pop beats. Shout outs to Laura for her charmingly inane “Southern Sweet Girl” and to Lisa for the legit fun “I Be Like Whoa.” No, Lisa, I be like whoa. Your song was somehow enjoyable.

In the end, Alexandria’s flat video didn’t cut it. Angelea foretold this chain of events when she noted, “There’s a line in her song that says, “Go, go, go.’ No, no, no.” And while I didn’t think Alexandria’s song was any worse than Shannon’s “World Go Round” or Dominique’s “Tooch Ya Booty,” I was glad to see her go. For a contestant whose main draw was her bullying behavior, Alexandria spent too much of this cycle flying under the radar. Sorry, girl, but if you want to be a household name, you can’t be afraid to make your voice heard. Every pot ledom knows that.

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Can Entertainment Tonight Stop Pretending The ‘Melissa Gorga In A Fat Suit’ Story Is Anything But A Ratings Stunt?

Natalie Zutter — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 19:03:32 +0000

When photos of Real Housewives of New Jersey star Melissa Gorga encased in a 300-pound fat suit first hit the web, it was all too easy to find eight other female celebrities who put on the fake pounds. Because it’s old news! In fact, Melissa’s “social experiment” for Entertainment Tonight is exactly the same as the ones that Tyra Banks and Vanessa Minnillo did years ago.

So here’s a note to ET: The gig is up. You don’t need to hide behind a sociological study and say that Melissa donned a fat suit in order to find out if overweight people get discriminated against. This is stupid because a) of course they do, and b) we all know it and shouldn’t have to go through the motions.

It’s clear that the only question to be answered here is how many viewers will tune in to see Melissa pile on the latex and want to cry at how ugly she looks. It’s probably another move to humanize her; while she started out season 3 of RHONJ as a spoiled trophy wife, over the course of the season she shifted into a much more sympathetic character, with her sister-in-law Teresa Giudice taking the mantle of villain. Even when rumors of her past as a stripper flared up, the other cast members rushed to her defense. Now her people are making sure that America sees her as a sweetheart.

ET invited viewers to chat about the upcoming segment on their Facebook page; it’s refreshing to see how many people weren’t fooled. Two posters make the keen point that this fat suit doesn’t even look real. So Melissa isn’t even fooling the people on the street; she’s just making overweight people look ridiculous.

Other posters argue against the lack of realism, like the woman who writes, We don’t all dress this stupid or have ugly hair or look geeky! Another lays down the ultimate challenge: Until one of those skinny minnies wants to really walk in my shoes and gain the weight, I will not be watching that segment.

There are some users who can see the positive in this: One woman says that instead of walking the streets of New York, Melissa should be in elementary schools talking to obese kids who’ve been bullied.

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America’s Next Top Model All Stars Recap: Honey Blood

Louis Peitzman — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 15:03:56 +0000

Some pretty amazing things happened on Wednesday night’s episode of America’s Next Top Model All Stars: Allison gave us Honey Blood, Lisa learned to challenge her inner NeNe, and Bianca fellated a pickle. Oh, and two contestants went home. All that and a visit from Kathy Griffin? My Top Model cup runneth over with fierceness. And you know that shit is hard to get out of the carpet.

We began with Bianca adjusting to life without Bre. Turns out not having her BFF in the house made Bianca extra cranky, which is kind of like Bianca all the time with more confessionals about how cranky she is. “It makes me cringe when I see Dominique’s picture up,” she said, crankily. Then she fought with Alexandria over shower privileges. (Alexandria is also cranky. Good to know she’s staying on brand.) “Bitches never win,” Kayla promised, and indeed, her premonition came to pass. But Kayla went home, too. That’s right—everyone loses.

In the most inspired challenge All Stars has offered yet, the contestants were asked tocreate their own fragrances. Celebrity perfumes are inherently ridiculous, and the ideaof giving D-list reality stars their own scents is especially absurd. Mmm, smells like… desperation? While I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing Lisa’s winning Neon (I hate the beach, love, and fun), I was definitely tempted by Allison’s Honey Blood. I bet it smelled adorable and weird. Alexandria called her fragrance “Diamondatrix,” which is as unwieldy as it is stupid. Way to go, team.

Next, the models had to sell the new fragrances to their adoring fans. (I don’t know where these people come from, but I’m probably just bitter I was never asked.) The contestants were asked to shill their wares from the comfort of outdoor bathtubs, which is ridiculous—but not as ridiculous as Bianca’s horrified reaction. “I’ve never seen Beyonce in a tub,” she insisted, as though that had any bearing on the situation at hand. I’m eating frozen grapes out of a Ziploc bag. I’ve never seen Beyonce do that either, and you don’t see me complaining about it. “I’m just not for sale,” Bianca explained. Because yes, hanging out in a bathtub in your bathing suit, is basically prostitution.

Things got even more meta at the photo shoot, when the models were dressed as reality stars with larger-than-life personas. Except rather than choose from a literally (not literally) endless array of potential TV personalities, the models were assigned either Snooki or NeNe. Seriously, just the two. I wanted to see Allison give us her best Danielle Staub. I wanted Laura to embody a Kardashian. I wanted something more than a Bumpit and a well-timed point—take it to the next level, Tyra. Go big or go home. Some other cliché that reflects my dissatisfaction with this shoot.

The only real standout for me was Bianca, because she caused some serious drama with her pickles. And as she was the first to point out, “I never thought that one jar of pickles could cause so much drama.” I’m not giving Bianca kudos for thinking outside the box, because she requested an exceedingly stupid prop that Jay had to nix for looking too phallic. I’m just delighted that she made such a fuss about pickles—that’s the kind of gleeful lunacy this reality show-themed shoot needed. “It’s a little selfish, but it’s also a competition,” Bianca explained, after literally grabbing a pickle out of Allison’s hand. “It’s not bitchy, it’s competitive.” It’s also amazing.

Side note: I am going to miss Bianca a lot. I know she was a pain in the ass, but my God, her sense of entitlement and detachment from reality were Top Model gold. I loved when she was talking about other “candid” celebrities who wouldn’t deign to sell perfume from a bathtub, and she used Courtney Love as an example. Courtney Love, you guys. Let that sink in like Honey Blood.

The guest judge this week was Kathy Griffin, who was thoughtful enough to show up tanned a lovely shade of Snooki. But again, Kathy was not bringing the reality show crazy. I loved seeing her here—and I loved that Tyra had to pretend she can take a joke—but I felt like Ms. G was holding back. Perhaps her best scenes were left on the cutting room floor. (A Tyra Banks impression? Oh, God, please let there be a Tyra Banks impression for the bonus footage episode.) At least Kathy told Dominique she needed to look more blackout drunk in photos, which is advice I think we can all take to heart.

And in the end, we lost Bianca, the realest of them all. How sad that she had to leave with what may be Tyra’s cruelest parting shot: “You’re not Beyonce, Bianca.” But their names are so close! I hope that Bianca is one day able to realize the irony of her I’m-so-above- reality stance and her I’m-not-here-to-make-friends behavior, but until then, I’m just glad she was able to make it so far while staying so consistently unpleasant.

Oh, we also lost Kayla. I have little to say about her. While I liked Kayla a lot during her cycle, she was a total non-entity among All Stars. I do give her credit for breaking new ground on Top Model, and reminding America that just because you’re a lesbian doesn’t mean you can’t be really fucking dull.

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Gallery: Melissa Gorga And 8 Other Female Celebrities In Fat Suits

Natalie Zutter — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 21:42:26 +0000

The Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion is over, which means that Melissa Gorga needs more work before season 4 premieres on Bravo. So of course the next logical step was to put on a 300-pound fat suit for an Entertainment Tonight segment.

As of yet, we have no idea why Melissa went incognito on the streets of New York as her fat self, but we do know that she’s not the first woman to do so. Whether it’s for a movie role or a social experiment, actresses like Julia Roberts and celebrities like Tyra Banks have put on the fat suit—usually with really negative results.

Huge thanks to The Makeup Gallery, which provided several examples and photos!

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America’s Next Top Model All Stars Recap: Coco Rocha Angles

Louis Peitzman — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 14:37:17 +0000

At some point while they were planning this season of America’s Next Top Model, the producers must have decided that by this point in the cycle, several of the contestants would be at each other’s throats. And so we got a perfectly timed episode built around aggression, with the models playing flag football and then participating in a bitch fight-themed photo shoot. How did they know these volatile personalities would erupt when forced into competition with one another?!

The episode began with Bianca and Lisa continuing to complain about each other, as though they don’t realize we’re over both of them by now. I don’t care which one’s the bigger asshole, because I feel like it alternates week-to-week, and I can only handle so many iterations of, “You’re just jealous.” Maybe I’m just jealous. Instead, let’s focus on Laura, whose keen observations continue to be real Top Model highlights for me. On her winning photo from last week: “This is the best photo to get best photo because you’re honoring Michael Jackson.” Oh, Laura. Every week she moonwalks into my heart.

The contestants headed to the beach for a flag football challenge, during which all the eliminated models returned. Each team was supported by two NFL football players, but I didn’t bother learning their names because sports. Sorry, I’m the wrong kind of gay for that! Just ask Kayla, who noted that she had to win “especially because I’m a lesbian, and we all have to win at sports.” In addition to winning money for some worthy charities, the models took photos outside of the game for the chance at earning a spot on one of Tyra’s websites and some Brittny Gastineau jewelry. For those who don’t know, Brittny Gastineau is “an incredible socialite that everyone strives to be at some point in their lives,” according to Bre. Also, she spells her name fucking stupid.

During the game, Bianca tried to kill Lisa, who seemed to take it all in stride. “Bam, that was for getting in my business!” Bianca said. “Bam, that was for talking out of turn!” I’m learning a lot about healthy conflict management. (Violence!) The photos were all pretty generic. I’m glad Bre explained, “The one thing I love to do in photos is bring energy,” because wow, what a revelation. Kayla won, which meant she got a lot of jewelry that she can’t wear. (Lesbians aren’t allowed to wear jewelry.) By the way, her photo shoot for Tyra’s site was directed by national treasure Andre Leon Talley wearing a rice paddy hat. So I guess that’s a thing we’re doing now.

The actual photo shoot was way more interesting, because it involved legit model Coco Rocha, and the contestants pretending to kick the crap out of each other. But the drama never really escalated the way I was hoping. I was thinking Bianca might claw Shannon’s eyes out, but honestly I would have settled for a really fierce slap. That having been said, I thought all the girls did pretty well. Aside from Allison, who was on another planet, and not, like, in the normal fun Allison way. And I guess Bre and Alexandria both sucked, but I was definitely entertained — Bre shrieked in Coco’s face while Alexandria moaned soulfully on the floor.

“Are we ready to get this bitch fight going?” Tyra asked at judges’ table. But once again, I was underwhelmed. I was really hoping Coco would at least scratch Nigel when he called her “the master of ugly-pretty.” And what about when Tyra called Angelea “the beautiful bride of Frankenstein”? By far my favorite assessment was Tyra telling Alexandria that her photo “looks like some reality show contestant that got to do a photo shoot with a supermodel.” I’m obsessed with this, because it implies that Tyra thinks her models are somehow not reality show contestants. I’m starting to feel like she doesn’t even watch her own show. (Totally kidding. She watches all her shows, and she records herself watching them, so she can later watch herself watching herself. It’s very meta.)

Honestly, I thought Alexandria was a goner, because she uttered such bullshit lines as “I’m not done yet,” and, “I’m still in it to win it.” Actually, she should have been automatically disqualified for saying, “I’m gonna punch high fashion in the face.” But Bre was ousted instead, and I can’t say I’m disappointed. Bianca’s probably a little bummed about losing her only ally—thank God she’s not here to make friends. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to practice my >Coco Rocha angles. Let’s see if I can do 75 in a minute without getting whiplash.

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America’s Next Top Model All Stars Recap: The Biggest, Hottest Thing

Louis Peitzman — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 14:21:20 +0000

It’s not even Halloween yet, and America’s Next Top Model already received an otherworldly visitor when the ghost of Michael Jackson showed up at this week’s photo shoot. OK, I can’t confirm that, but I’m pretty sure La Toya is possessed by something. Also, is it Christmas, too? These contestants’ incessant bickering is the gift that keeps on giving.

In one corner, we have Lisa, who warned the models to, “Hold on tight, kids!” (Don’t call your fellow competitors “kids” when you’re one of the oldest contestants. I’m just saying.) And in the other corner, Bianca, who doesn’t understand why she has to hang out with people she doesn’t like and be sad when the people she does like have to go home. This is her second stint on a reality show—there is no excuse for not knowing how this shit works. Dominique surmised that Bianca “thinks she’s above all this,” and added, “You can never be above an opportunity.” All right, Dominique, I will give you $20 to hang out at my next party. You’re not above that, are you?

But angelic Shannon—who is a Christian, she and everyone else would remind you—got in on the action, when she devised a phone sharing system that Bianca had a problem with. Actually, Bianca had a problem with Shannon’s math not adding up, which is a rather legitimate complaint to make. (No matter how hard you pray, 200 minutes is more than an hour and a half.) Shannon broke down immediately, because black people are scary, I guess. And then Lisa jumped in with, “Bang. Boom. Pow,” officially rendering her more cartoonish than Adam West’s Batman. All of these models need to think before they speak. Allison came off best, because she didn’t say a word. Just the O_O face and a graceful exit. I love Allison, you guys. I am ^___^ when she’s on screen.

The challenge in Wednesday night’s episode was a carousel runway to model the Kardashian Collection. I literally died and went to reality show heaven. (Yep, literally.) As Laura explained, “The Kardashians—they’re like the biggest, hottest thing, so to wear their clothes is amazing.” Was this a continuation of last week’s acting challenge? The clothes were hideous, and I say that as someone who knows very little about fashion but knows a lot about ugly. Ugh, the leopard print, the shoulder pads. The ‘80s Michael Jackson costumes the models would go on to wear felt way more contemporary to me.

And the fighting continued, much to my delight. Let’s take a moment to talk about all the mixed metaphors at play. Lisa said that Bre’s coddling of Bianca is “like Bre has a toddler at Disneyland on a leash.” Later, she said Bianca looks like a mean dog when she walked the runway with her stank face. Damn it, Lisa, which leashed creature is she? But Alexandria deserves credit for babbling on with a string of incoherent animal metaphors that even Tyra Banks would flinch at: “I didn’t sign myself up to play with some minnows in a little pond. I’m with the big dogs. Let’s fight with some sharks. We’re gonna use our teeth, fins. Let’s do this.” Alexandria is a mad scientist, right? Because I’m getting less Next Top Model and more Next Top Dr. Moreau.

The bad blood escalated, with Bianca repeatedly complaining about “taking shit from the Christian.” Alliances were forged. Lines were drawn. Where do I stand in the Bianca-Bre vs. Lisa-Shannon battle? Fuck it, I’m still Team Allison. Bianca’s attitude was atrocious, Bre was stirring shit up like a reality show contestant (OK, I guess points there), Lisa was being contrary for the sake of it, and Shannon bugged the crap out of me with the preemptive waterworks. You don’t cry as soon as you’re confronted with something. You wait till the other person is yelling, and then you start to bawl. Otherwise you just look unbalanced, and there’s nothing Christ-like about that. (He had excellent posture.)

This week’s photo shoot was Michael Jackson-themed, but it ended up being somehow less ridiculous than you’d imagine. Even special guest judge La Toya was weirdly subdued—I only caught half a trademark giggle. Disappointing. Most of the MJ-inspired outfits were obvious choices, and I didn’t think any of the models really channeled the King of Pop. I was also a little horrified that they coated some of the paler girls in a thick layer of bronzer. (It’s not blackface if you use brown!) At the end of the shoot, La Toya told her new BFFs, “Thank you so much for doing this for my brother.” A Top Model photo shoot was the last item on MJ’s bucket list. Now his ghost can cross over!

Elimination was—well, not an elimination. No one went home! And I love how Tyra played it up like this was all La Toya’s decision and not the plan from the get-go. Come on now. The “no one is going home this week” shock factor died about 16 reality competitions ago. Can we stop pretending that Tyra is reinventing the wheel, and start focusing on Lisa’s absurdly awesome sense of style? Thanks. Whatever, bottom two Lisa and Angelea were clearly tickled about getting to stick around. “I feel like somebody saved me,” Angelea offered, wondering out loud if it was La Toya, Michael Jackson, or Jesus. I will put good money on Jesus. Oh, Jesus is Tyra Banks.

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American’s Next Top Model All Stars Recap: We’ll Always Have Haters

Louis Peitzman — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 15:58:31 +0000

In case you missed last week’s episode of America’s Next Top Model All Stars, Isis is here to remind you that this is a competition. “It’s not safe for anybody,” she explained. “This time around I’m here to win it.” I have this theory that reality contestants are just given a list of clichés to read through, so that producers can later sprinkle them throughout the season. I don’t need to hear that the models want to win, because that is the basic premise of the show. What I need is to hear Allison say, “I know I’m very strange” while wearing a Muppet-y bear hat. Once again, Top Model delivers.

The contestants got a visit from Kristin Cavallari, who reminded them that they are always going to have haters. (And subtly reminded us to tune in to H8R, every Wednesday at 8 p.m. on The CW!) Then the ladies were shipped off to The Grove to get interviewed by Extra’s Mario Lopez. (He’s also the host of H8R, a show you can watch.) Nigel promised “tough questions,” so I was hoping for something controversial, like, “What’s Tyra Banks’ worst quality?” Instead, Lopez threw a bunch of softballs I could have answered myself. And I am terrible at public speaking and sports.

The models split themselves up into two teams so that the winning team could have immunity, something Tyra straight-up stole from Bravo. I didn’t think anyone was that impressive, but no one struck me as aggressively awful either. Bianca said, “I have word vomit just like everybody else,” which is the kind of thing I would babble in that situation. But Nigel chastised her for talking about vomit a lot, apparently unaware that “word vomit” is the polite alternative to “verbal diarrhea.” He also told Angelea that she was too toned down, which sent her into a rage in the limo. I’m not sure Angelea appreciated the irony of screaming about her professionalism, but she did make some valid points: “I know how to conduct myself, bitch. I worked at a bank.”

Next was the photo challenge, which paired the models up and had them walk on stilts. “I have a deathly fear of heights,” Bianca said, like we’d be silly enough to forget her similar freak-out in China. I’m not a fair-weather Top Model fan, OK? Respect. As far as challenges go, this was a little low-key, though I did enjoy Dominique’s surprisingly self-aware, “I have a whole lot of face going on right here.” Camille offered some charming transphobic remarks, Angelea complained about her lack of lower-body strength, and Alexandria made a series of Martina Navratilova tennis noises. It’s like, I’ve seen it before, you know?

I guess I’m more interested in the models at home, because these are established reality show personalities. Just film them and the magic will happen. If I wanted to see gangly people on stilts, I’d go to Cirque du Soleil. (Also if I weren’t afraid of French Canadian clowns. That’s a bigger “if.”) Step up the photo shoots, All Stars, or give me more of Isis dressing like a ballerina and saying, “I’m gonna look like Black Swan.” Or better yet, do a Black Swan-themed photo shoot. Or better still, they all stab each other with shards of broken mirror.

At judges’ table, Tyra introduced Kristin Cavallari as one of the biggest reality stars living today, as opposed to all those reality stars who died in Vietnam, R.I.P. Kristin was fairly outspoken in her opinions, which is probably why Tyra made fun of her. But Tyra has a sense of humor, y’all. She even referenced the America’s Next Top Model sketch they did on Saturday Night Live. She thought it was hilarious! And she totally got the point, which was to commend Tyra’s versatility as a performer.

What can I say? A mediocre photo shoot begot a mediocre judging. Even Angelea confronting Nigel about his mixed message was weak. In the limo, I was promised “hood bitch,” and I got neither hood nor bitch at panel. Andre Leon Talley earned some points for calling Laura a “super feminine glamorpuss” and Bre a “strong robot out of Blade Runner.” But he instantly lost those points for bowing out of Top Model next cycle, and for not knowing that the “robots” in Blade Runner are called “replicants.”

After the awkward introduction of the phrase “booty tooch” (it’s this year’s “smize”!), the judges decided to send Isis packing. I didn’t think her photo was all that bad, but I’ll confess I know more about Blade Runner than I do modeling. Maybe I’m just bummed that Top Model All Stars now has one fewer trans contestant than Dancing With the Stars. But hey, if Isis had to leave, at least she left dressed like a Natalie Portman-esque ballerina. What happened to my sweet Isis? SHE’S GONE.

Like Isis, I will not be back next week. (I’m moving and won’t be able to recap. Ugh, life, right?) So practice your booty tooches while I’m away, and I’ll see you in a couple weeks.

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